I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
