The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
