Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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