i was born a porn star she said
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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