I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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