Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
