I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
