Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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