the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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