woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize