my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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