god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
