I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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