I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
