I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize