Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
