Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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