When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
