Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
