Where is the hickey?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
