he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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