dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i now understand why vodka
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
