you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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