I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
