She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
