that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
