she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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