you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
