The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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