I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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