it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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