Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
