Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
