My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
