saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize