I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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