I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
