hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
