My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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