I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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