Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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