I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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