I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
