Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
