dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
