i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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