We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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