I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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