i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
