I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All the doctor said was why
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize