these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
