the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
