Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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