Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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