the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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