chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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