2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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