why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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