omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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