okay pat passed out under dana's car
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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