We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
