get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
