I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize