I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
