Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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