i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
