You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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