I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
